So about a week ago, I completed a 10 mile race, my longest race by far. I started to write a post about how disappointed I was in myself, about how I walked more than I wanted to, how I was almost thwarted by a sore hip and nasty blister that formed around mile 6 (a blister that is still healing). Then I re-read my last post from January, when I declared I was going to try and be kinder to myself. I switched gears and began to write about the lessons I have learned in training for this most recent race. It was positive, encouraging. I saved the draft. But then I had the kind of day at work where I closed to the door to my office and sobbed quietly, out of frustration, and, at least that day, did not really believe what I had started to write.
There's been a lot going on lately that has me down-- the Presidential race, hateful legislation, senseless violence. But let's be clear, I am staying the fuck away from any of this in this blog. This silly little blog is mine, my space (just not MYSPACE), my time, to write about something that I (mostly, when I don't have a nasty blister or sore hip) enjoy.
So here I am, writing something, even if it's nonsensical.
Let's go back to June 5. I was spent/hurting/frustrated when I approached the finish. I wasn't even able to run the last mile without a walk break, never mind the last 3 (it's just a 5k! I told myself...a 5K after you already ran 7 friggin' miles is not just a 5k). Yet, something happened when I turned the corner into the fort (yup, this race ended inside the walls of an actual fort!). The other runners from my run club started to cheer--really loudly--for me. Then I saw my husband waiting at the finish line, like he does. Every. Single. Race. And I booked it. There was a woman ahead of me a few yards and I thought uh-uh, I am so passing you. Sorry bib #1016. I still, it turns out, had a little steam left in me after all. And in keeping with my 2016 be-kinder-to-myself-because-I-am-enough-goal, here is what I wanted to say all along. When you're running for 2 hours, you have A LOT of time to think:
1. You will not be first. I've got news for you. Unless you're an elite runner (in which case, how did mistakenly find yourself here??),
you will not win the race. You will be passed, by younger runners,
sometimes by older runners, sometimes by someone who is just running to
catch the bus (not that this has happened to me....). AND IT
DOES NOT MATTER. Because, you probably won't finish last either. Don't worry, bib #1016 wasn't last either.
2. You're lucky. Seriously, even if you ran one of the worst races of your life and felt like you stopped to walk every 6 minutes (ahem,
self), you're lucky. I'm lucky. Think about what a gift being mobile
is. Whether you can run a marathon or walk a mile, you can do something
many others can not. Try not to take it for granted and try not to be so
hard in yourself (ahem).
3. Running is hard. There
is really no way around it. It plain sucks sometimes. And the old adage
is true: the first step, out the door, is always the hardest. Remember
this the next time you're out there and struggling (ahem, self):
what you're doing is not easy, mentally or physically. You're allowed to
stop and breath every once in a while. WALK is not a dirty word.
4. Everyone had to start somewhere. Do
you want to run a half marathon? A 5K? Do you just want to be able to
make the mile loop around the block? You can, and you will. In good
time. Even marathon runners started somewhere. No, I would not be able
to run 26.2 miles tomorrow, but I like to think that if I do choose to
some day, I will be able to do it. With training and time, you'll run
any distance you want to-- you just have to want to. What do I want? To finish a half-marathon by end the of year (gulp, this makes it official). Will I? Yes. Not next week, not even next month. I will doubt myself along the way, yes, just like I doubted I'd be able finish a 5k or 10k or 10 miles. When I basically collapsed onto him after the 10-miler, my beau whispered in my ear you can do anything. I shrugged it off at the time, but he's pretty smart so I an inclined to believe him :)
