Confident. To be honest, it's not a feeling that I'm used to. No matter how far I have I come (quite literally), no matter how strong I may feel after a great run, no matter how hard I train, I still struggle with my confidence, particularly feeling comfortable in my own skin. I don't look like a "typical" runner and some days, well, I tend to focus more on how I look than how I feel. And how others look. She can wear shorts, I think. Her arms don't jiggle in that tank top. I don't have a body that is particularly built for summer, making summer less than comfortable. When you insist on keeping your arms and legs covered, you tend to sweat a lot more! I looked at tank tops in stores, almost buying one several times. I finally bit the bullet, purchased one, and actually decided to wear it. FOR A RACE. Other people would definitely see me, I wasn't going to be in the bubble of the my neighborhood where I'd maybe pass 1 or 2 other runners. PHOTOS WOULD BE TAKEN AND POSTED ON THE INTERWEBS. Somehow, I managed to finish the race unscathed and the world did not, in fact, end.
It seems like a rather small thing, but for me, wearing a tank top in public, running (read: jiggling) in a tank top in public was a big step for me. A step towards getting over myself and what other people think. Body confidence is an everyday struggle. And, sadly, body shaming is a reality.
A while back, I had read an article about ultra- runner Mirna Valerio (if you don't know about her, she is an absolute inspiration!) and how she was completely body-shamed by a stranger, someone who thought it was ok to tell Mirna in an email that she is a "liar and a fraud" because she is an overweight and a runner-- two things that in this person's opinion did not belong together. They go on to say that they have seen videos in which she "pretends to run", call Mirna "a joke", and claim she is only trying to promote her "perverse idea of beauty". The thing that really pissed me off? "You are not a runner." This person actually wrote that. Um, ok. Way to go out of your way to be a dick. It's worth mentioning that Mirna was in the process of completing a 50k--that's 31 MILES--when this email made it to her inbox. I had forgotten about it until the video linked above popped into my newsfeed, and I was outraged once again. I decided that in my own small way, on my my own small blog, I wanted-- needed-- to do something. For me, mostly, but maybe for others, too. Because even though this email was not meant for me, it could have been. When you insult another runner because of her body , I take it personally.
So here it is. This is me. After a 10-mile run. My abs are not flat. And there are stretch marks. I have some sneaky back fat. There are bulges around my sports bra and the waistband of my pants. (let's not overlook those interesting tan lines, too!) But this is a runner's body. Not because it's thin or smooth or perfect. But because it belongs to someone who runs.
