In a Rut

I have always had a love/hate relationship with running. Right now, it’s more hate.

I think the 10 miler last month nearly did me in…I can count on one hand how many times I have run since then (which is really unusual for me), each time painful in its own way.  I’ve barely managed to run 2 miles without stopping to walk. It’s like I crossed the Newport finish line and stopped caring a little.

Now I have a 5k and a 9k looming over me this July—two distances that should be relatively easy for me, on courses and I familiar with. Yet, I am terrified. Terrified that I’ll crash and burn, and all the work I have done in the past two years will be for naught. Terrified that, as it seems, I am starting over, again. It’s happened before: I have fallen out of practice (or maybe out of love) and even the shortest of distances feel insurmountable, the desire to actually get out the door starts to wane.

I think that is what’s most bothersome now, not just that I am having a hard time physically logging the miles, but that I don’t seem to be enjoying it. 

That's hard to admit. I only want to be doing this if I want to be doing this.

Running has always been a challenge, but at the end of the day, it’s been something I have liked—no, loved. I look(ed) forward to running! I would be nervously excited for race day! Now I am just nervous, and slightly annoyed, as though running left the toilet seat up again. Maybe we’re just in a fight right now. Maybe I need to let things cool off – literally. It’s fucking July people and it’s HOT.  Whatever the case, I’m left wondering what to do. Do I struggle through these July races and then call it quits? What about the half marathon that I wanted to complete? Will I even be ready for something by the end of the year? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

I just don’t know.  Running and I need couples therapy.

I’m trying to do my part. Yesterday, I went for a run in my old neighborhood. The change of scenery helped a bit. Though it wasn’t a great run by any means, I didn’t stop on the hills (I do not miss those hills). So let’s just say yesterday was hill training. And it was a success. Tonight, I am heading to run club for the first time in a few weeks, hopeful that my fellow nutcases and post-run beer will motivate me. And just a few minutes ago, I registered for another 5k this month. This time, no hubby, no friends, just me. That will be a first.

See, running? I am trying. I’m not ready to give up on us. I just hope you feel the same way.