In the Long Run

I am obsessed with time.

 It may be my German decent, it may be that I have OCD, maybe it's that  I am a self-proclaimed control freak. Whatever it is,  I  am obsessed. I always wear a watch, I have at least one clock--sometimes as many as three-- in each room of the house, even the bathrooms. I have anxiety dreams about being late for work and appointments and trains and planes. Time pretty much rules my life. Even on lazy weekend days, when there are no real plans, I'm still stressed out about how long it took me to get out of bed, or how long it takes me to get ready, or "it's what time already? If we're going to grocery shop, we need to go now!" It's exhausting. Just ask my boyfriend.

This obsession with time is also  a detriment to my 10k training. What I need to focus on now is stamina, distance. I need to push myself to run 4, 5, 6 miles without injuring myself, without falling over, no matter how long it takes me. But even on my "easy" 3 mile runs, I'm constantly checking my phone, my iPod, my FitBit, the treadmill. How long have I been running? I made it to this point last run in 6 minutes and today it took 7??! I need to finish in 48 minutes, tops. Can I run a half mile in 5 minutes? God, I am so slow today!  It's like I can't shut the time part of my brain off. I know I need to slow down and focus on finishing the route, building my stamina. I know in time that the stronger I am, the faster I will eventually become. In the long- run, I just need to finish that long run.

I know all this. And yet I am struggling with the idea of letting time go, forgetting about my pace, and focusing on distance. How does an obsessive, German control freak deal with this?!